"Gestos" Malbec 2018 - Finca Flichman

THE WINE:

A Malbec/Malbec mix. That's right. Two varietals of Malbec. One from 1,100 meters and one from 700 meters. Mixed half and half in oak barrels for six months. As the label says, the lower altitude gives "maturity, color and body", while the higher altitude adds "freshness, structure, and complexity". Read on for the verdict.

THE REVIEW:

Imagine going out for a night of clubbing and your friend Gestos picks you up in this car: 

He looks like this:

It's nighttime and he's wearing sunglasses. You jump in and he peels out in 5th gear. He offers you a cigar and tells you look good. He asks you if you've been working out even though you're wearing baggy clothing. The inside of the car smells strongly of Tommy Hilfiger cologne.

In the back seat are two attractive girls in minidresses. Gestos is weaving in and out of traffic. One of the girls is giving you a massage and whispering in your ear.

Then all of a sudden Gestos starts going at 100 mph, unzips his pants, takes out his dick and starts screaming at the top of his lungs "I HAVE A BIG DICK! I HAVE A BIG FUCKING DICK OK? I HAVE A BIG DICK!" You and the girls start screaming and yell at him to stop please, Jesus stop. He keeps screaming "I HAVE A BIG FUCKING DICK! SAY IT! SAY I HAVE THE BIGGEST FUCKING DICK YOU'VE EVER SEEN!" He's going at 130 miles per hour now.

You and the girls all start yelling "YES YOU HAVE A BIG DICK JESUS PLEASE SLOW DOWN YOUR DICK IS ENORMOUS!!!!"

He slows back down to 100 mps, then 80, then 75 mps. He puts his dick in his Diesel pants, zips up, clears his throat, and stares straight ahead. Dead silence in the car.

Then he tells you that you look good again. He asks you how your family is and repeats again and again that you two should hang out more often. He puts on some Red Hot Chili Peppers and you cruise to the club. One of the girls gives you a handjob and gives you her number but when you call the next day it says it's disconnected.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you'd entered the car after a nice snort of PCP or meth, you would have loved it! Same with the wine. If you pair it appropriately, it'll be a blast. If you underestimate it and think it's going to be just a random Monday night dinner wine you'll be left with your brains all over the highway.

Pair with violently red meat, spicy dishes, and anal penetration porn.

Notes of tree bark, CK1 cologne, and raw denim.